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January 15, 2007


I can’t believe the shit I got away with in high school. This was my Grade 13 history (Modern Western Civilization) essay on Modernism. I wrote the whole thing in half an hour, in one solid burst. It’s a moebius, in that it ends the way it began and loops back on itself. You could read it endlessly. We were supposed to type it up (double-spaced), use at least 1000 words, and touch on all the main themes of modernism.

I got an A+.

And don’t get me started on the time I handed in my fingernail clippings and got an A…damn, I wish real life was that easy…

Here’s the complete text (warning: Not politically correct):

"…and we will rip out your festering puss-infested hearts and destroy you with your pathetic institutions and the communists are still putting radioactive waste into my toothpaste and my mind isn’t quite what it used to be and Nurse Ratchet THE BIG NURSE is killing brains eating brains grey matter sliding across her breasts dripping between her legs she smiles and asks me to brush my teeth fear loathing death brain is mush mind is fetid crawling away from my body and Nietzsche tells me that rape is good my FREE ACT IS YOUR DEATH formaldehyde bureaucracy killing my soul and I’m eating burning chrome on your front lawn cause the earth doesn’t feel so hot and Randle Patrick McMurphy doesn’t talk much anymore because your BIMBO SUCKED HIS MIND I know I was there smelling flesh and electricity come together creating genesis Technological Man ROBOCOP says it’s "Your move, creep" before he castrates you with his big black phallus ejaculating black metal sperm large gun cyborg metal and man out of control biological warfare faces melting Aliens needed to kill more humans face-hugger chest-burster drone queen DEATH profit margin keeps your atrocities going and if I can’t take it I wear SHADES, MIRRORSHADES and I can hide while your perfect state dies waiting for the computer to come on-line and Luther Arkwright goes time-tripping looking for tits and ass saving the universe from death restoring equilibrium giving you power STATE POWER legislating my morality and I still want Sue Sandy Mandy Mary’s breasts smooth skin on mine lose myself in orgasm despair suicide create my own sexual helium flash C’mon baby light my fire, C’mon let’s set the night on fire napalm bomb churches god doesn’t give a shit he’s riding his Angelic Harley across the universal highways deflowering worlds destroying cultures to create supernovas to signify the new messiah the antichrist and he IS coming, coming to rip out your worthless genitals and replace them with titanium state-controlled Artificial Reproduction Stimulant Entity ARSE for short, and make you kiss theirs telling you what to think do say make produce who to befriend hate suspect SCREW KILL MANGLE DESTROY with government double-think through crime sex crime always being watched analyzed suspected destroyed seduced by the bitch with polka-dot shoes and lasers for eyes blond hair that’s really tangle-wire the more you resist the tighter it gets her nipples are electrodes to fry your dirty mouth and their are retractable razor blades under her fingernails her tongue is ten feet long and poisonous it reaches down into you and liquefies your intestines she is the state the bunny that shows you what sex is only to rape you dismember you and feed you to your friends I AM NOT A NUMBER (yes you are) I AM NOT A PRODUCT (but we made you) I AM A FREE INDIVIDUAL (yeah? tug at your collar) have a smoke a beer a drug a steroid a sick screw a rape roll somebody kill somebody you’ll feel better, it will make you belong collect human ears you’ll hear better collect nipples you’ll get more milk, go on a diet become a toothpick, it’s better than the status quo feel the unbearable lightness of being become a psychologist, cure neuroses by infecting your patients with your own, keep your silly putty with you and make casts of great philosophers: Genghis Khan, Aristotle, Camus, Brecht, Skinny Puppy, Lou Reed, Ministry, Verhooven, Talbot, Lessing, Didion, Cleaver, Zulli, Frank Miller, Orwell, Kerouac, Huxley, Koestler, Sartre, Napoleon, Darwin, Hitler, Mussolini, Beethoven, Run DMC, Rambo, The Terminator, Robocop, Ripley, Ronin, Wolverine, Kesey, Wolfe, Batman, Betty Boop, Monroe, William Gibson, The Pet Shop Boys, Kundera, Marquez, Foucault, Ellul, Plato, McLuhan, Leonard Cohen, Mel Gibson, Mad Max, Oliver Stone, Buckaroo Banzai, Burgess, Luther Arkwright, Bundy, Cobra Commander, G.I. Joe, A Clockwork Orange, Rachel Carson, Luke Skywalker, Yoda, Han Solo, Piers Anthony, Rudy Rucker, Bruce Sterling, John Brunner, Toffler, etc. look at where we worship, look who worships you: Hendrix, Joplin, Morrison, Elvis, Bruce Lee, Marilyn Monroe and I will worship too I know you and I will rip out your festering puss-infested hearts…"

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